reichenbackdatassup:

wow my brother was telling me this joke and he said

"if you’re fighting with a woman and she pulls a knife on you, just pull out the bread and cheese and meat and her womanly instincts will kick in and she’ll just make you a sandwich"

then all of a sudden our mom emerges from the kitchen holding a huge ass knife and she approaches my brother asking “sorry what was that?” and he started screaming

(Source: spockdarlin, via tipslip)

oknope:

can we skip this whole “college” thing and go straight and go to the part where i have a really awesome job and spend all my time traveling?

(via hotboyproblems)